Hard Night

Sometimes I have these hard nights... When I think about the future... And how Gibson's life will be as he grows up. I have a hard time wondering how he will fit in when he starts school, if kids will make fun of him and how much pain that might put him through. I wonder what might have happened if we had caught this earlier, would we be in a different place than we are now? Would Gibson be further along in his progress? I am usually really good about seeing all the positive things that have happened since we had him tested and got him started in therapy. I think of how much he has grown and how much he has learned. He went from having a vocabulary of about 5-10 words to 250+ now and learning more every single day. But my son doesn't know/understand the things that he should. Everything for him will be harder than it will be with most kids. He will have to learn things that come natural to most kids.

Its so hard knowing that your child is going to grow up with Autism, and not really knowing what all you can do to help him. I don't know what is going on in his head, I don't know what will cure him or if there is, or will ever be a cure, and I certainly don't know what the future holds and sometimes that just flat out scares me!

But then I look into these sweet blue-green eyes of his... and see that adorable smile and I know that God has given me the biggest blessing that anyone could ever ask for. He has given me a beautiful son who loves me and loves Gerod and everyone else he comes into contact with. He brings laughter and smiles to everyone he meets. He is a genuine, silly, crazy little boy that I love more than life itself. And I know that God can get me through times like tonight when I worry about the future. Because it is ALL in His hands!

I know there will be many more nights like tonight when I wonder what will be, but for now I am just going to stick with looking forward to tomorrow. Another day with two of the cutest little boys I have ever seen! I look forward to watching Gibson learn something new, try something different, or maybe... just maybe show that he truly understands something we have been working on.

I pray that I can show him every single day JUST how much I truly love him and that one day he will be able to tell me he loves me too. Until that day his smiles, sweet kisses and BIG hugs will give me all the assurance I need that he does understand some things even if he cant express them.

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts into words tonight.