Monday, January 3, 2011

Emotional Rollercoaster

As I have mentioned before, some days are harder than others. When you sign on to be a mother it is a job that doesn't come with a handbook. You don't have a schedule of set jobs to do. You don't have a road map of where you may be in the years to come. You just have to live life day by day and see where things take you.
My role as a mom started on September 26th 2007 when my sweetheart Gibson was born, actually before that if you count pregnancy. Although pregnancy is another thing with no set path it is not quite the same as when your child is actually born and you have that brand new baby in your arms. I never knew exactly what was in store for me and my family on that day over 3 years ago. I didn't know that we would have a child that has Autism. I. Had. No. Clue.
I didn't know much about Autism when I started researching it as a possibility for what I saw going on in my son. I have learned so much since I first got on the computer and typed in that word. I always thought that there was a clear definition for Autism and my son didn't fit the bill. Boy was I wrong! I had no idea just how broad the Autism spectrum is, nor did I know just how much is yet to be found out about Autism. We have no REAL clue as to what causes it... people have their speculations, but that is not what this post is about. We have no way of know how to cure Autism, or if there really is a cure. All we know is that there are therapies out there and they may or may not help our children.
Gibson started speech therapy back in November of 2009. After a year of therapy he is doing in many cases 100% better! He is actually talking which is, to say the least, one of our very biggest blessings. I know some families who have children who do not talk at all. We are blessed beyond measure that our only struggle with speech right now is that Gibson is still delayed but otherwise speaking about as well as a 2 year old would. Parents of (as we call them) "typical" kids really have no idea what it means to have your child tell you what happened at school that day, or follow simple directions. But these are things we deal with every single day. Gibson has made so many strides that it is hard for me to write about me having a bad day, but I am no different in that way than any other parent out there.
Today was a hard day. I am not sure what sent me over the edge emotionally but I just gave up at the end of the night. I was beyond ready physically, and emotionally for the kids to go to bed. I just needed to rest my mind. Spending an entire day with your kids is simply stated bitter sweet. You have those times where you just quite frankly want to pull your hair out and yet in the next second you want nothing more than to squeeze and cuddle and kiss on those sweet little faces of theirs.
I know that eventually things will get better, or I will get stronger. I know that God has his hands in this and he will guide me through and sometimes I think that days like today happen to me so that I can sit back and realize that I am not the one in control here. God is always in control. I need to let him lead me more than I do and I think that once I can let go things will fall into place better or at least I will be more at ease when things don't go the way I plan.
I am praying that tomorrow is a better brighter day and I know that the best way to start off on the right foot is to have a positive attitude. Tomorrow I will have a smile on my face knowing that in the end it is one more day that I have to spend with my kids... even if they do drive me a little crazy sometimes! ;)


Megan and David said...

You are doing such a great job, Callie! Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world, I am convinced of it. David was home with us all week last week, and was SO READY to get back to the office this morning! And add multiple kids to the mix...forget about it! Hardest thing ever.

You are right, there is no job description like there are in other jobs. There is no one there telling you that you are doing things right or wrong. Heck - there isn't really a right or wrong.

We need to get our kiddos together and let them run around and play and we can have a cocktail hour ; )

Josh, Casey, and Aiden said...

Callie! I wanted you to know that Gibson is so lucky to have a mama like you. I work with sweet little ones with autism and you are doing such a service to him already. I am so happy that his speech therapy is working.

God is in control, which you know so just hang in there.
Casey (Dolan) Gilliam

The Schumachers said...

I LOVE that you can be so transparent. It is encouraging knowing that you are out there fighting a good fight and loving your family though it.
Know that you encourage me with every post or fb comment.
Keep leaning on the Lord... He is your strength!